You did what?

Sometimes when I tell people about my 5 year trek to Portland, they look at me with admiration and tell me things like "you're so brave" and "good for you!" At first it confused me, since my life feels like any boring old life. But then I step back and really look at the past few years. I really have done some amazing shit. Not cure cancer amazing, but pretty damn cool for this lazy-ish pseudo-Southern girl. So here are some of the highlights:

1. Bought a one-way plane ticket from Lexington to Spokane and moved to a small North Idaho town that I had never visited and where I knew only one person.

2. After a 6 weeks working in a pie shop, I got my dream job at the East Bonner County Library. Seriously folks, it was awesome and I have never worked with a better group of people!

3. Watched my 1st PacNW 4th of July from the middle of Lake Pend Oreille. If you've never watched fireworks from a boat on a lake, I highly recommend it.

4. Ate venison stew and wild turkey caught and prepared by friends. (also had explained to me how to tan a deer hide with its brains)

5. Somehow acquired 2 dogs and a cat.

6. Rode my bike to work every day until it started snowing--then I strapped ice trekkers to my boots and walked...in the snow...uphill both ways. Okay, so not the uphill part unless you count the snow berms.

7. Finally hiked Mickinick. It's a difficult-rated trail and most of the time I tried to hike it I never even made it to the 2-mile mark. But the last attempt found me 3.5 miles up a 2000 ft elevation increase looking out over Sandpoint and the lake. And my belly was full of wild huckleberries, which certainly made the climb even better!

8. Road trip from Sandpoint to Denver. This is rivaled only by my previous bus trip from Lexington to Denver a few years before. But the road trip took us through Montana and Wyoming which are infinitely cooler than Missouri and Kansas.

9. TRAIN TRIPS TO PORTLAND!!!

10. Knowing the names of the mountain ranges surrounding me...the Cabinets and the Selkirks....and not too far away, the Bitterroots.

11. Flying around the lake and those mountains in my roommate's brother's little 4-seat plane.

12. Leaving it all behind to move to the Oregon coast. (This involved convincing one of my best friends to pack her life in Kentucky into a u-haul and drive across the country to join me on the coast. It also involved a 9 hour drive with my dogs and cat after not driving for 2 years.)

13. Astoria. It's a really big hill---that I walked up and down every single day.

14. Getting the job that has apparently propelled me on my current shoe career path--Gimre's Shoes, the oldest family owned shoe store west of the Mississippi. 2011 saw their 119th anniversary!

15. Two consecutive Christmas days spent looking for sand dollars on the beach.

16. Climbing to the top of the South Jetty at Ft. Stevens State Park.

17. Completing the 2010 Columbia Crossing--a 10K walk/run (I walked) that starts in Washington and continues over the 4-mile Astoria-Megler Bridge that spans the Columbia not too far from where the river meets the ocean.

18. Waking up every day to an amazing view of the Columbia River.

19. Did I mention the proximity of the ocean?

20. Finally finally finally moving to Portland!

I met so many wonderful people along this 5-year journey, too many to name without inevitably leaving someone out. And I consider myself the luckiest person in the world because of each and every one of them! I also fell in love a few times over the past few years. And while none of theme were quite right for me, they were each beautiful and amazing in their own unique ways and I wouldn't want to imagine this adventure without them. The past 5 years have been more full of life than I realized while living them. So maybe another resolution for this year will be to focus my awareness on life as I live it, instead of just getting through the days and wondering what comes next.

Although, I do wonder what's coming next. ;-)

Insomnia

So one of my resolutions for 2012 is to post on this blog at least once a week. Today is my first attempt of the year. And I have no idea what to say.

Insomnia monsters had a party at my place last night and I finally accepted defeat around 3:30 and got out of bed. I made some chamomile tea and a bowl of oatmeal (half of which ended up on the floor because I was partially brain dead and didn't think of the consequences of pouring boiling water into a cheap deli food container) and then I worked on a couple of art projects I had started earlier in the evening. So I was productive at least, and by finishing one of the pieces I was able to make enough space in my head for a few hours of sleep.

I have set many art and writing related goals for this year. Added up they seem a bit overwhelming, but by taking them one at a time I'm finding myself already in a more productive creative rhythm. One painting almost completed, 3 mini pocket shrines started, one altered book done and shipped to its inspiring recipient, 5 haiku penned, and I think I feel a poem coming on. All of this since Monday!

I have also decided that my next tattoo will most likely be a faery mermaid with wings that look like the fins of a beta fish.

Collaboration

I was recently asked what my New Years Resolution was going to be, and without thinking I said, "To stop being so delusional." We both laughed and threw out more ideas and then my friend paused and said, "I don't think you should focus on trying to not be delusional--I think you just need to spend more time with people who don't think that the way you see things IS delusional." Wise words.

Am I delusional, seeing things that aren't there? Or am I a revisionist, rewriting the past to suit my present state of mind? Perhaps I'm both. Or maybe I'm neither. The perk and the paradox of being human is our ability to see things from our own personal and unique perspectives.

There are many paths in life and every once in awhile we may attempt to walk one with another person. But the truth is, one side of the path may be smooth dirt and the other side might hide tree roots to trip over. One side may butt up to the edge of a mountain, while the other skirts the edge of a cliff. None of us walks the same path, even when we're walking side by side.

For a few days I felt certain that the word for 2012 would be RELEASE. But I'm tired of focusing on what I need to get rid of. So instead I think 2012's word is RENEW. I hope to redirect my energies into the things I love: my art, my writing, my friendships, my family--all the things that nourish and sustain me. All the things that have always been a part of me, even when I ignored them in the fruitless search for something new and better and other. I hope to renew my faith in myself and my own perspective, and to believe that just because I see things differently doesn't mean that the way I see is wrong. And I hope that I can be more accepting of other people's perspectives and embrace the things that make us different and special, rather than trying to wish others into being what I want them to be.

On the Verge

I can close my eyes and clearly taste

the first bite of ripe summer peach

the juice dripping down my chin

into the cupped bowl of my hand

sticky and warm from the sun

on the verge of something

tangible and sweet—but I still

don’t know the words for

the color of your eyes or

the feel of your skin

as I run my fingers

down your arm

Sixth Poem

with burning light

and fire

a phoenix

in the flames

I see myself

turned into ash

consumed

destroyed

reborn

reborn with burning

fire bright

I dance

across the sky

and introduce myself

to heaven

renewed

amazed

and whole

Fourth Poem and Fifth Poem

fingers search for heat

and clutch the hot metal grate—

snow begins to fall

*****

shoe chains grab at snow

as I climb my way towards home—

the street light flickers

Third Poem of 2011 (b/c the 1st two are not for public viewing)

Ballroom floor confetti

Sparkles like the stars.

I spin through resolutions

And tiptoe through the sky.

Holding on to all that matters,

Letting go of all the rest.

These are the simple moments

Where constellations start.

Dancing fire into darkness,

Laughing with the promise.

Play one more song, I beg him.

What’s your name, he asks.