Invocation For Fall

Yesterday was the Fall Equinox, so today marks the first day of the year when the daylight hours are shorter than the darkness. I celebrated with a delicious meal of corn fritters covered in maple syrup, spice muffins with butter/cream cheese frosting, a bowl of pomegranate seeds, and a glass of wine. I threw out a general “help me” plea and set a place for whoever wanted to show up and answer. I gave thanks for all the things the past year has brought me. I read a few pages in my new book on trance work and recorded myself saying a shielding invocation so I could listen to it while I fell asleep and possibly remember it this morning.

I don’t remember it.

But I had a very restful night of sleep. I don’t really remember my dreams either, but I have this vague recollection that they were not dark this time. They did not involve vehicles in transit. There was less confusion than normal. Maybe it will come back to me today. Probably not, but that’s okay. What I carry with me right now is the sense of calm I had as I was falling asleep listening to my own voice on repeat. It helped my mind slow down. It provided a focus so I couldn’t distract myself from falling asleep.

And my voice sounds different from the last time I heard a recording of it.

This is possibly just the effect of growing older. But the inflections were different. I’m sure no one else would notice this change, but as a writer I read out loud a lot, and particular habits have formed. I pause in certain places. I raise my voice just so in others. Little things cultivated over many years. But last night I kept tripping over my tongue and had to record myself four or five times before what I was listening to made sense.

It was like I was learning to speak all over again.

I made a list of goals last night. Most notably, to let go of my preconceived ideas about love and open myself up to learning what it really is. I want to figure out why I seem to be attracted to unavailable people. And I want to find a way to stop giving so much of myself to those who don’t give me anything in return. There are so many awesome, nurturing people in my life who I have neglected, and I want to focus more on acknowledging their awesomeness.

Last night was also a Full Moon.

Living so near the ocean has made the cycle of the moon more apparent to me. Full moons are solid now. Not so abstract. Even when it’s hiding behind the cover of near constant clouds, I can feel the weight of the moon outside. I feel more settled. I feel more concrete. I feel more real.

I remember part of my dream now.

Not really part of the dream, but an image that popped into my head when I was in the in between. That place where you’re not asleep yet, but you’re not quite awake either. It was just a flash, but it made my breath catch when it appeared. A giant white bird that turned so one wing pointed toward the sky and one pointed toward the ground. It flew straight at me for a second, larger than life.

Then it morphed into a glowing white sparrow sitting in the middle of darkness.

Sparrow

Sparrow carries away the souls of the dead.

Sparrow brings the souls of the soon to be born.

Sparrow circled three times as I walked.

I stopped walking and Sparrow flew away.

Sparrow circled three times at chest level.

I stopped breathing and Sparrow flew away.

Sparrow circled three times slowly, wrapping me with invisible string.

I stopped unraveling and asked Sparrow if she’d stay.

Sparrow is Aphrodite’s bird.

True love and spiritual connection.

I spin myself tighter inside Sparrow’s string cocoon.

Sparrow says keep walking.

Sparrow says keep breathing.

Life and death and love.

Sparrow says they’re all the same.

clomp clomp clomp...dreams and such...

She sees him up ahead waiting to cross the street and starts running so she can catch him before the light changes. He is wearing his rubber rain boots with his pants tucked into them, and his beard seems to catch fire in the last bit of setting sun. Her heart starts beating faster—from running or from seeing him, she can’t quite figure out. She reaches him just as the sign changes to walk and she grabs his shirt so he can’t start across. When he turns around she throws her arms around him. She is so happy. They spin around and she is able to see back towards the direction she just ran from. And she sees him standing there as well, but clean shaven, and with a look of such betrayal—like she had just broken his heart and punched him in the stomach and kicked his puppy all at the same time. She breaks her hold and runs to this version, not questioning how he can be in two places at once. She throws her arms around him, her heart beating even faster than before.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” she repeats, as if it is the only thing she has the words to say.

His look of betrayal begins to mix with disgust. He peels her arms from around his neck and pushes her away.

“Do you even know what love is?” he asks.

And then I woke up.

The she is me, of course. And the him is—well a handful of you can figure that one out. It’s a telling dream I think, about appearance versus reality. About what draws us to certain people in the beginning and what we have the potential to learn about them over time. If we’re willing to learn that is. And if we’re willing to pay attention.

It is also a dream about myself.

I’m a pretty even tempered person most of the time. I do have moments, though, when my emotions roll over me like a tsunami and there is absolutely no controlling what I do. I can’t stop the things that come out of my mouth. And god forbid I have the dexterity to type a text message or an email while these emotions are wrecking havoc on my life. I ride a wave of euphoria for awhile and when the tide pulls back I’m left standing on an empty beach staring at the aftermath of what I’ve done.

Do I know what love is?

No. Not really. I thought I did. But I don’t. Not that kind of love. I know obsession. I know lust and mistrust. I know about control and how to lose myself in what someone else wants me to be. But real love? I don’t have a clue.

But I hope it’s not too late to learn.