Invocation For Fall

Yesterday was the Fall Equinox, so today marks the first day of the year when the daylight hours are shorter than the darkness. I celebrated with a delicious meal of corn fritters covered in maple syrup, spice muffins with butter/cream cheese frosting, a bowl of pomegranate seeds, and a glass of wine. I threw out a general “help me” plea and set a place for whoever wanted to show up and answer. I gave thanks for all the things the past year has brought me. I read a few pages in my new book on trance work and recorded myself saying a shielding invocation so I could listen to it while I fell asleep and possibly remember it this morning.

I don’t remember it.

But I had a very restful night of sleep. I don’t really remember my dreams either, but I have this vague recollection that they were not dark this time. They did not involve vehicles in transit. There was less confusion than normal. Maybe it will come back to me today. Probably not, but that’s okay. What I carry with me right now is the sense of calm I had as I was falling asleep listening to my own voice on repeat. It helped my mind slow down. It provided a focus so I couldn’t distract myself from falling asleep.

And my voice sounds different from the last time I heard a recording of it.

This is possibly just the effect of growing older. But the inflections were different. I’m sure no one else would notice this change, but as a writer I read out loud a lot, and particular habits have formed. I pause in certain places. I raise my voice just so in others. Little things cultivated over many years. But last night I kept tripping over my tongue and had to record myself four or five times before what I was listening to made sense.

It was like I was learning to speak all over again.

I made a list of goals last night. Most notably, to let go of my preconceived ideas about love and open myself up to learning what it really is. I want to figure out why I seem to be attracted to unavailable people. And I want to find a way to stop giving so much of myself to those who don’t give me anything in return. There are so many awesome, nurturing people in my life who I have neglected, and I want to focus more on acknowledging their awesomeness.

Last night was also a Full Moon.

Living so near the ocean has made the cycle of the moon more apparent to me. Full moons are solid now. Not so abstract. Even when it’s hiding behind the cover of near constant clouds, I can feel the weight of the moon outside. I feel more settled. I feel more concrete. I feel more real.

I remember part of my dream now.

Not really part of the dream, but an image that popped into my head when I was in the in between. That place where you’re not asleep yet, but you’re not quite awake either. It was just a flash, but it made my breath catch when it appeared. A giant white bird that turned so one wing pointed toward the sky and one pointed toward the ground. It flew straight at me for a second, larger than life.

Then it morphed into a glowing white sparrow sitting in the middle of darkness.

Everything

You came in looking for shoes and we ended up talking about the existence of the color council and the necessity of focused art making time. You commented that no matter what you are doing, you are doing it creatively because you are a creative being. Creativity infuses everything you do.

I think, “Everything is art.”

I hear people talk about “creative sustainability” and how we need to think of new ways to use the resources we have on hand as a means to survival. But what about “sustainable creativity”? What would your day look like if you made as much of your life as possible not merely a product of your creativity, but fuel for your creativity? What would happen if your daily tasks were not just a means to an end?

I think, “Everything is poetry.”

Everything dances and sings, if you’re willing to see it in that light. Everything is connected somehow. I know I’m not the first person to think this, and I certainly won’t be the last to have such an epiphany. But right now the thoughts have lined up in my brain, like planets in alignment to the sun. Things make sense right now, and I don’t feel so lost and alone.

I think, “Everything is sacred.”

As you walked out the door you said “I think we’re from the same tribe.”

I think, "You might be right."

Catastrophe Theory

sudden shifts in behavior arising from small changes in circumstances

Seven months ago I was broke and desperate for some sort of change....six months ago I started a 2^nd job that didn’t last very long....five months ago I was introduced to someone I had previously developed a crush on from afar....four months ago we stopped hanging out because he is dealing with a divorce and my emotions were too strong to handle that properly....three months ago is a little fuzzy....two months ago my newfound best friend dropped out of my life with barely any explanation....last month my parents came to visit.....and right now I’m still broke.

But a week ago I officially began my 2^nd year in this city by the sea. Well, this city by the river that collides with the sea not far from my house. And on my one year anniversary here he asked me to drinks after months of not really talking to me. And now I’m all confuzzled. (please watch the movie ‘Mary and Max’ for that reference) I feel less prepared than ever for the task of negotiating the minefield that is new friendships.

I still like him, but I am not quite sure what that means. I am drawn to him, but the context of this attraction is a bit uncertain. Is he a kindred spirit or a soul mate? Either one would be an extraordinary find. My anxiety comes from trying to figure out which one it is—and which one I want. The pessimist in me keeps saying that he probably doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Or is it the insomnia monsters that whisper that in my ear?

I have been trying lately to take a more scientific approach to my self-observations. It does me no good to get lost in the emotions that are tangled up inside of me, so I’ve opted instead to see if I can decipher how I process things. And maybe then I can figure out a way to deal with whatever’s clogging the pathway between my brain and my heart.

So far, I’ve noticed that I am easily confused when talking to people. For various reasons, I tend to miss bits of conversation, which leads to mental backtracking and an attempt to figure out what is going on, which causes me to miss more, which causes the confusion to build exponentially, which eventually spirals out of control and causes my anxiety to spike unnaturally. And all the while I’m trying to maintain a calm exterior so no one can see the chaos ripping through my mind.

I attribute most of this confusion to the distraction caused by what I have described before as a news ticker speeding around my brain. As an artist and a writer I have trained myself to observe as much as possible. To be a professional voyeur almost. But when I am left without a clear role to play, as in the one I play at work, I have no focus and get lost in all the things I observe. I am hopeless. And I’m not very good at being just me.

I have trust issues. Or maybe I have manipulation issues. Or maybe it’s both. Too many people have twisted my friendship for their own purposes. And now I have a hard time believing that the person I’m talking to really wants to be there talking to me. And battling with that thought mid-conversation is yet another distraction. I also have abandonment issues. I don’t deal well with people disappearing from my life. But at the same time, I expect it to happen. I am constantly waiting for good-bye. And that’s no way to have a conversation. It's certainly no way to begin a friendship.

In all fairness, I must also come clean and admit that I am, in fact, not an angel. I have done bad things that have hurt people. Things that would have destroyed me had they been done to me instead of the other way around. I can’t undo them, just as the people who have hurt me can’t undo what they did. But I do find myself occasionally wallowing in the idea that I’m a bad person and no one would want to be friends with if they really really knew me. And then I start feeling like a fraud. Which I am.

I’m bad at being me and am only remotely comfortable when I’m playing a role. But I’m trying to learn how to be me around other people. I’m trying to believe that people do want to get to know me. I’m trying.

But I don’t know what I’m doing.