Catastrophe Theory

sudden shifts in behavior arising from small changes in circumstances

Seven months ago I was broke and desperate for some sort of change....six months ago I started a 2^nd job that didn’t last very long....five months ago I was introduced to someone I had previously developed a crush on from afar....four months ago we stopped hanging out because he is dealing with a divorce and my emotions were too strong to handle that properly....three months ago is a little fuzzy....two months ago my newfound best friend dropped out of my life with barely any explanation....last month my parents came to visit.....and right now I’m still broke.

But a week ago I officially began my 2^nd year in this city by the sea. Well, this city by the river that collides with the sea not far from my house. And on my one year anniversary here he asked me to drinks after months of not really talking to me. And now I’m all confuzzled. (please watch the movie ‘Mary and Max’ for that reference) I feel less prepared than ever for the task of negotiating the minefield that is new friendships.

I still like him, but I am not quite sure what that means. I am drawn to him, but the context of this attraction is a bit uncertain. Is he a kindred spirit or a soul mate? Either one would be an extraordinary find. My anxiety comes from trying to figure out which one it is—and which one I want. The pessimist in me keeps saying that he probably doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Or is it the insomnia monsters that whisper that in my ear?

I have been trying lately to take a more scientific approach to my self-observations. It does me no good to get lost in the emotions that are tangled up inside of me, so I’ve opted instead to see if I can decipher how I process things. And maybe then I can figure out a way to deal with whatever’s clogging the pathway between my brain and my heart.

So far, I’ve noticed that I am easily confused when talking to people. For various reasons, I tend to miss bits of conversation, which leads to mental backtracking and an attempt to figure out what is going on, which causes me to miss more, which causes the confusion to build exponentially, which eventually spirals out of control and causes my anxiety to spike unnaturally. And all the while I’m trying to maintain a calm exterior so no one can see the chaos ripping through my mind.

I attribute most of this confusion to the distraction caused by what I have described before as a news ticker speeding around my brain. As an artist and a writer I have trained myself to observe as much as possible. To be a professional voyeur almost. But when I am left without a clear role to play, as in the one I play at work, I have no focus and get lost in all the things I observe. I am hopeless. And I’m not very good at being just me.

I have trust issues. Or maybe I have manipulation issues. Or maybe it’s both. Too many people have twisted my friendship for their own purposes. And now I have a hard time believing that the person I’m talking to really wants to be there talking to me. And battling with that thought mid-conversation is yet another distraction. I also have abandonment issues. I don’t deal well with people disappearing from my life. But at the same time, I expect it to happen. I am constantly waiting for good-bye. And that’s no way to have a conversation. It's certainly no way to begin a friendship.

In all fairness, I must also come clean and admit that I am, in fact, not an angel. I have done bad things that have hurt people. Things that would have destroyed me had they been done to me instead of the other way around. I can’t undo them, just as the people who have hurt me can’t undo what they did. But I do find myself occasionally wallowing in the idea that I’m a bad person and no one would want to be friends with if they really really knew me. And then I start feeling like a fraud. Which I am.

I’m bad at being me and am only remotely comfortable when I’m playing a role. But I’m trying to learn how to be me around other people. I’m trying to believe that people do want to get to know me. I’m trying.

But I don’t know what I’m doing.